I wanna be a nun.

A group of bloggers I cyber know chooses a quote, and uses the quote in thier a blog entry. I think then they are supposed to apply it to thier lives, but I'm not positive. I'm going to be lame and steal the new one. I'm a huge fan of Kahlil Gibran which was thier last chosen one, and it just did not stir me up the way this one did. The quote they are currently using is a Thoreau quote:
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined." I dont have a clue why this one resonates with me tonight. It's piss.

When I think about this quote I get angry. Let me apply it to my life before DH and kids. To when my only responsibilites (really) were to dream, to imagine.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams!"
ROFLMAO, what dreams? To be loved? To have a family that gave a damn. That didn't care if I was difficult? My entire dream was to get the fuck out. Acceptance, stability, love. I shouldn't have had to have those dreams, they should have been a reality growing up. Instead I was told I wasn't good enough wouldn't BE good enough.
"Live the life you've imagined."
Oh well in that case I imagined:
Not getting teased.
Not getting beat.
Not getting tossed out of the house every time my father made up a new rule. (just for me, of course!)
Not having said father come to my softball games with girlfriend in tow, and making out with her in front of everybody--while he was STILL MARRIED (not even seperated) to my stepmother.
Not having my mother move to a different city and give up custody to do so. Leaving me with said father.
Not being forced out of my "home" when I was 17 to fend for myself, with no drivers license, no money, no family around.
Not having nothing to my name.
Living with strangers for which the DH would sneak up to my room and try to sleep with me.
Not having to beg for money from the only family that cared about me, and took me in when living with perv family didn't work out. Not because they made me beg, but I had nothing to offer in return.
Not getting raped.
Not having teachers who KNEW what was going on, and didn't give a damn about me unless I couldn't turn in my homework.
Not having to initiate contact with my entire family for them to speak to me. Once time I decided to see how long it would take for them to call me if I didnt call them. After A WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, I caved. On my birthday. That I had forgotten was that day, because let's face it, it only matters when others are excited about it. I actually felt ashamed after my mom said Happy Birthday! because I felt like she probably thought I just wanted a gift.
Not to be made to feel like less than in every aspect of my life growing up for just one day.
Not NOT feeling loved.

Yep, those were my dreams, that's what I imagined. No disrespect to the life I have now, but can you imagine who I might have been had my dreams been different. If the sheer weight of my childhood hadn't been so fucked up. I can't. It's all I knew.

Sometimes I think I am over it. Nights like tonight it just comes charging back, like a beast of its own. Just long enough to piss me off. In another hour or so, I will sigh it off and pretend I'm normal again.
See you in 60 minutes.