Seriously folks, Ohio sucks. Yes, our families are here, but there really is nothing else to put in the positve column. Work outlook bites (as I'm sure it does everywhere), cost of living is skyrocketing, nope, wages aren't going up, and it gets fucking cold here.
So where do I consider home? Missouri. Southwestern MO. God help me, I loved living there.
So why did you move?
Our landlords family was getting sick, and they wanted to move back to the area so they could be with them. Yes, we could have found a place where we lived, but we had already told ourselves we were going to move close to "home" after our next baby so they could experience family. Damn it all to hell they really love our familes. SO we moved our timeline up, moved our precious baby boy 600 miles from his place of birth, and settled in fucking Ohio.
It hasn't all been bad. The first year was actually ok. Had a zoo pass, and a small amount of money too spoil the boy with. Gave birth to our dear daugher here. But having our DD opened my eyes.
Our house sucks, my husbands commute sucks, his paycheck sucks (now, with increased living expenses anyway), our neighborhood sucks.
MO is calling. DH wants to be a park ranger. Doing some research on the subject I discover that MO park rangers make the same amount my DH makes now, PLUS have awesome benefits. Well, I think they are awesome, as DH has none currently. Cost of living is much less, and it stays warmer longer, with a shorter winter (normally).
DH could take a job here in the same postition and only make 2/3rds of what he could make out there, and like I said cost of living is MUCH higher here.
Looks like I have some convincing to do. Wish me luck!

I wanna be a nun.

A group of bloggers I cyber know chooses a quote, and uses the quote in thier a blog entry. I think then they are supposed to apply it to thier lives, but I'm not positive. I'm going to be lame and steal the new one. I'm a huge fan of Kahlil Gibran which was thier last chosen one, and it just did not stir me up the way this one did. The quote they are currently using is a Thoreau quote:
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined." I dont have a clue why this one resonates with me tonight. It's piss.

When I think about this quote I get angry. Let me apply it to my life before DH and kids. To when my only responsibilites (really) were to dream, to imagine.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams!"
ROFLMAO, what dreams? To be loved? To have a family that gave a damn. That didn't care if I was difficult? My entire dream was to get the fuck out. Acceptance, stability, love. I shouldn't have had to have those dreams, they should have been a reality growing up. Instead I was told I wasn't good enough wouldn't BE good enough.
"Live the life you've imagined."
Oh well in that case I imagined:
Not getting teased.
Not getting beat.
Not getting tossed out of the house every time my father made up a new rule. (just for me, of course!)
Not having said father come to my softball games with girlfriend in tow, and making out with her in front of everybody--while he was STILL MARRIED (not even seperated) to my stepmother.
Not having my mother move to a different city and give up custody to do so. Leaving me with said father.
Not being forced out of my "home" when I was 17 to fend for myself, with no drivers license, no money, no family around.
Not having nothing to my name.
Living with strangers for which the DH would sneak up to my room and try to sleep with me.
Not having to beg for money from the only family that cared about me, and took me in when living with perv family didn't work out. Not because they made me beg, but I had nothing to offer in return.
Not getting raped.
Not having teachers who KNEW what was going on, and didn't give a damn about me unless I couldn't turn in my homework.
Not having to initiate contact with my entire family for them to speak to me. Once time I decided to see how long it would take for them to call me if I didnt call them. After A WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, I caved. On my birthday. That I had forgotten was that day, because let's face it, it only matters when others are excited about it. I actually felt ashamed after my mom said Happy Birthday! because I felt like she probably thought I just wanted a gift.
Not to be made to feel like less than in every aspect of my life growing up for just one day.
Not NOT feeling loved.

Yep, those were my dreams, that's what I imagined. No disrespect to the life I have now, but can you imagine who I might have been had my dreams been different. If the sheer weight of my childhood hadn't been so fucked up. I can't. It's all I knew.

Sometimes I think I am over it. Nights like tonight it just comes charging back, like a beast of its own. Just long enough to piss me off. In another hour or so, I will sigh it off and pretend I'm normal again.
See you in 60 minutes.