Effervescent Life!
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Dear Effervescent Husband.
When you tell me that the car is acting up-stalling specifically, and I say "check the spark plugs", do not spend the next month self diagnosing the car only to spend $50 dollars on a new fangled part for the car, that 24 hours later you proclaim "didn't help".

When you go out and change the spark plugs, which works, at least have the decency to apologize for blowing me off several times during month of "diagnosis". And please remember in the future that I have been right more than 75%-90% of the time IRT car problems, where as you have spent gobs of money fixing things that weren't broken to begin with.

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It was nice of you to spend time getting acquainted with the computer and internet this week. Very comedic. Now stay off my computer ;)

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Yes, I'm positive I'm on my period, and no it isn't a big conspiracy to make you abstinent.

Signed,
Effervescent Wife


Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Christmas Questions With No Answers.
Why must all dolls be naked in our household?

Why won't anybody take me seriously when I say I want a chia pet?

Why is my DD playing with a small Christmas tin, and none of her sparkly new toys?

Why is the gift Santa bought my kids as "filler", to get free shipping at a certain online retailer, the toy my son covets the most?

Why didn't we get more chocolate in our stockings? ;)

Why did Santa forget the snow?
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Merry Holidays!
May your holidays be vibrant.
May your holidays be grand.
May your holidays be warm,
snow, grass, or sand.

May your loved ones be giddy.
May their eyes twinkle with delight.
May those who celebrate, get a
visit from Santa that night!

May your flames burn,
for eight glorious sleeps,
and your families love
sow what it reaps.

May the winter festivals
gladden your heart,
and fill you up,
for when loved ones depart.

May you stay safe.
May you stay healthy.
May your family get-togethers
make your spirit wealthy.

May you be blessed, friends, this holiday season.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Monday, December 18, 2006
Dear Mall Santa.
"I'm hiding them on the rooftop so the hunters can't kill them."

Is not an appropriate response to a 4yo asking you where your reindeer are.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Lights On. Nobody Home.
This week I accidentally set my porch on fire twice.

I licked a delivery confirmation label and tried to affix it to the envelope. When it didn't stick I repeatedly tried again, getting agitated with every failure. Then I realized the label was a peel and stick.

Just a minute ago I realized I had my underwear on wrong side out. Which should have painfully obvious, some time ago, today.

Right now I'm drinking a Kahlua Mudslide. I deserve it.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Hello, Telephone!
What I really said: "Hon, can you call your SIL and find out what time her Christmas dinner is so I can tell my dad what time to expect us?

What he relayed to SIL over the phone: "Effervescent Wife would like to have Christmas dinner as early as possible so we can visit her family."

What SIL probably thinks: "What a selfish bitch!"

Thanks Hon. I clearly stated that we would schedule our visit to my fathers around your families dinner since they had scheduled theirs first. NTM, the time you pulled out of "thin air"to suggest to your SIL, is the same time we have to check into our hotel. I'm not making my kids ride 3 hours, in the car, in their party clothes.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Spreading Christmas Cheer.
So Prez has a list of do's and don'ts of writing Christmas letters up on her blog. I read them, and decided that writing a good letter was just too much trouble. Instead I wrote a letter I hope never to receive! I hope you'll be kind enough to write a faux letter of your own! Happy writing, and here's mine:

Dear loved ones,

Praise God! I want to start this letter out by saying that I have prayed for all of you to come to into the fold, and accept Jesus as your savior. I pray mightily that the devil has not consumed you, and you follow the light to Jesus's Holy path! Jesus loves you!

Our family is doing well.

Jenny is a senior in high school and has all "A's" in her classes. She has been afflicted with a head-scratching virus of some sort though. Her menses have disappeared, she's become extremely bloated in her stomach. We pray for her health every night before dinner that the cause of this will be found. This moves Jenny to tears. We know she is such a good girl, and God will provide us the answers soon. 8 months is too long for one of His own to be suffering.

Jebidiah is now in the 9th grade! Can you believe it! Our boy is growing up! We've had to start homeschooling him because the school refused to quit teaching about "evolution"! I pray for his ex teachers everyday! We are strongly considering moving to Kansas where God has touched the education systems soul.

Julie is now 6mo old, and sits up all by herself! She loves to go to playgroup with me, and see the other babies. I'm so glad I decided to join. Those ladies need some real parenting help! Why the other day one of the mothers was actually breastfeeding her 18 month old! I lectured her good and long about spoiling that child and turning him into a pedophile. She hasn't been to playgroup the last couple of times , and I miss her so!

As you all know Grandpa John has come to stay with us permanently. He's a strong patriarch, and we appreciate his discipline. Unfortunately Grandpa John suffers from sever bouts of constipation that must be treated with suppositories. He is unable to do this on his own, so I have taken over his care. I pray every day that he improves, and that my fingers be steady and guided by Jesus's love.

Joseph's work is keeping him busy! He often works late, and even has to go in during the weekend! It tries me sorely to be home with the kids and Grandpa all the time with no help. However I submit to Joe's wishes because I know it makes God happy, and will make me a better wife in the long run!

If you didn't know we had to put poor Buster (our dog) down. He had the devil in him! That dog humped everybodies leg, and I swear he impregnated the cat! We know we made the right choice as it is no life for a family to be in Satan's shadow. Please pray for Buster's dear departed soul.

I hope you are all having as wonderful a year as we've been having! May your Christmas be blessed, and your faith be strong!

signed,
The Grace Family